Learning to Live Loved

Next Steps

2009-09-11T16:30:00.003+02:00

I am back in the States, working again in orthodontics, getting ready to move into a house by a park and a library (my happy places), reconnected with my church families (now up to 3 in just this city), am back into beating my body at the gym, and have gotten to know my nieces and nephews a bit better. There are SO many ministry opportunities I want to jump into, but it's like God has a hand on my shoulder and He says "wait." I feel like a race horse ready to bolt out of the gates into something big.

So I wait and study in the meantime. I'm reading Piper's Desiring God by night, listening to The Heavenly Man during work, studying Romans on my own and with church family #3, Luke with church #2, 1 Cor with church #1, and starting a New Testament Survey class this week. I like learning. I like books. Maybe it's time for some more school :)

Indiana Girl

2009-08-08T15:29:00.003+02:00

In a surprising turn of events I've moved back to the States this week. I already miss my friends in Germany, and I expect that to get even tougher when the students return to school in a couple weeks. BUT, I am excited to be here.

Today is the quads (my nieces and nephews) 2nd birthday, and I'm really looking forward to actually knowing them. It's great to see family and friends instead of playing catch up via scattered emails.

I've got some interesting business opportunities that I'm considering, a few potential roommates, a car that I'll probably buy today, and two wonderful church families with whom to reconnect. If any of you local readers know of a job, house, or motorcycle that you think would suit me, please email :)

I'm so thankful to have spent the last year in Germany because God taught me some invaluable lessons. He stripped away a lot of my pride and materialism. Although He could have burned away that chaff through some other means, He chose Germany. And I'm so thankful. I moved there with 2 suitcases and a rubbermaid tub. I lived in an apartment I saw for the first time when I moved in. I drove a purple car that I called the Confetti Mobile. And I did more than survive. I learned how liberating it is to not be tied down to STUFF- a ton of possessions and luxurious things to worry about.

Pre-Germany, I used to try to reach out to hurting people in hard places. But when I'd pick them up in my brand new car and drive them across town to my picture perfect apartment, I never saw the chasm that automatically made between us. Praise the Lord He opened my eyes to that and taught me how to live more humbly. I want to connect and love people where they are, not rub in their faces all the things they don't have. So that's what I hope to do here- live humbly and love generously.

Male RAs

2009-07-20T09:44:00.009+02:00

School starts back up in a few weeks, and we are in desperate need of at least 2 quality guys to come on staff as RAs in the boys dorms. We have 3 male dorms full of teenage guys needing role models (as well as someone to do their cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving, help with homework, overseeing their chores, having fun with, etc).

Right now each of the dorms only has 1 returning male RA and 1 female RA. While us ladies are perfectly capable to do the work of the job, it would be a disservice to the boys to have a bunch of women raising them. They need men to teach them how to be men!

Please help me spread the word. Right now it's just me and Timmy as RAs for the 28 Men of Maug, and that just isn't gonna cut it! Last year they had 4 RAs and were still running ragged a lot of the time.

If you'd like to know more, send me an email or check out BFA's website

Don't you want to be a part of this? :)

And here's an update on the construction of the dorm. Still a ton or work to be done- maybe more than is finished. Here are some pictures:

The TV Room / My Temporary Bedroom & Workout Room

Michelle has been missing having Sky TV to watch American news. After weeks of fighting for it, the satellite showed up. I thought the name was appropriate.

These are the "stairs" to the top floor

New dishwasher (...cute)

The new kitchen. Check out how HUGE the hood is (the entire suspended unit)!

The scaffolding area will hopefully be a dining room within the next few weeks.

Bathroom full of stuff until the floor is laid everywhere else

And, finally, the difference between watching a puppy (Jersey, Palm dorm pup) and a dog (Maggie, Maug dorm boss):

Hi, My name is...

2009-07-07T13:02:00.003+02:00

Overwhelmed.

The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.

There is so much work to be done here and very few workers. I just hit the pause button on the overwhelming spiral of events, got some Asia Wok 33a and sang this song a few times. And now Carol and I are going to pray for some more workers.

Sugar & Spice

2009-07-02T12:48:00.005+02:00

and everything nice. It is really hot here in unairconditioned Germany, living in the top floor, skylit, sun beaming (beating) in apartment with the shedding dog and corduroy couch. So here's a list of things I'm really enjoying:

1. AC in my car :)
2. Oscillating fans
3. Singing loudly in cornfields
4. Don Camillo Bolognese Sauce
5. Starburst Jellybeans
6. Spinach Dip
7. The Cannonhands CD I got in the mail today!
8. Porch Nights
9. Settlers of Catan
10. Evansville Living magazine (that I also got in the mail today!)
11. The latest pictures of my nieces and nephews
12. Orchids
13. Colossians
14. Fritz from "The Closer"
15. Tony's Creole Spice
16. German computer keyboards
17. Day dates
18. The French contemporary Christian radio station here

Books

2009-06-24T21:25:00.004+02:00

Several things have happened since my last entry. Graduation, students and staff saying goodbye and spreading across the world, moving out of my apartment, parents visiting, and moving my future dorm from one building to another. Yes, a lot has been going on, but the last few days have been much slower.

I'm dogsitting for a puppy who likes to chew and do rotten things when I'm not around. So instead of running around and searching for things to do, I've stayed in the last few nights to keep Jersey company and out of trouble. I've read some excellent books. For Men Only by the Feldhahns, a companion book to For Women Only. I've read the latter a few times, so it was a treat to read the flipside. I strongly recommend couples reading this book when preparing for marriage.

I also read Life Together by Bonhoeffer about living in Christian community. I am putting together some notes and thoughts about this book still and will probably read it again before I share about it. But also, another great and sound book.

Today I finished Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot and started Dan Kimball's The Emerging Church. It is Elliot's book on which I wish to comment. There are 15 main points I gleaned from her writing, but I think to include them all would be doing a disservice to the entirety of the book. So I'll just share a few highlights and recommend you to read it.

Tonight I shared with a female friend how I was challenged, how I was challenged on behalf of the men in my life, and what to do with loneliness and the seemingly far-fetched idea while on staff here of "being in love."

Elliot wrote these words that challenged my attitude and paradigm toward my motives, "the majority will sacrifice anything- security, honor, self-respect, the welfare of the people they love, obedience to God- to passion. They will even tell themselves that they are obeying God (or at least that He doesn't mind) and congratulate themselves for being so free, so released, so courageous, so honest, and 'up front.'"

And then, this challenged me for the men in my life (although it also applies to women). "We have to learn to trust in little things, even in what may seem like silly things if we are ever going to be privileged to suffer in the big things. The man who can be trusted in little things can be trusted also in great."

After I shared this with my friend, her response to the idea of a man being trustworthy for a little thing was comical to her. She bit back, "Men?! Actually doing what they say they will? That's just how they are." It hurt to hear her say that because she believes it. She has obviously not had men in her life to prove her wrong, and that is sad.

On loneliness, Elliot wrote, "If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?" Interesting thought. It is in the lonely times that I tend to draw near. And he strengthens me. "Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down." I know it's trite to say "one day at a time," but really, when I offer my loneliness to God one day at a time, it is not as daunting. He carries me. And after a while prompts me to look back and realize how far we've gone just one day at a time.

And finally, on being in love: "'Being in love' first moved them [any couple] to promise fidelity: this quieter love [love the commitment, not the feeling] enables them to keep their promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

Good book. I'm thoroughly challenged to stop congratulating myself on being "so free" and thus, doing what I know I shouldn't, to be faithful in doing little things so that I'm trustworthy in big things, to offer my loneliness to Christ and live purely one day at a time, and finally to not be in love with the idea of being in love.

Spring Party 09

2009-05-31T13:16:00.013+02:00

Spring Party was viking themed this year. Food, games, music, and fun.

Tug of War. The rope snapped after 3 good pulls during the juniors v. seniors

These boys found a loop hole to the 6-legged race

Spectators

With two of my FAVORITE girls!

Gettin ready to hop

FOOD!

Cara practicing Dog Whisperer

Dancing away from the students to not embarrass their daughters

Aww, we're gonna miss Hawkins and Joni at Maug!

The giant dance party

Boys and Fire...

Guzik showing his skills

My dance circle :)

So intimidating in their braids

Ready to rap

Winding down

And then we celebrated Timmy's birthday back at the dorm...

"You think these knives will work?"

Ready to get their RA

About 45 seconds later. Double whip cream pied in the face
Tradition is just one from your roommate...guess Timmy got special treatment for being staff
I told the guys I'm glad that my birthday falls in the summer. Their reaction?
"Don't worry. We celebrate half birthdays"

More tradition: carrying him to the trough

Drop him and RUN before he can hug/tackle you!!
I thought I was safe as the photographer (and female), but then someone had to yell "GET SARAH!"

Like a Candy Cane

2009-05-19T21:15:00.004+02:00

Saturday I watched 4 soccer games and have the sunburned face, chest, and funny criss-crossed patterns on my shoulders and back to prove it. Most entertaining is that my hair was apparently across my face for the entire day... and never moved. Because there's a diagonal line across my face, bright red with leprous peeling on one side, ghost white on the other. I'm pretty :)

I tried taking several pictures, but it's not capturing the dramatic contrast. Do you know how many times I've heard "you got some sun!" in the last few days? I thought about posting a sign on my office door that says something like "Service can be refused to those who make obvious and/or dumb comments."

So instead I'll post a couple pictures of the early stages of the BIG Maugenhard dorm move (moving everything in a dorm for 30+ guys) and a couple ones from my last trip to see Denton (and the flat tire fiasco). Please note his why-are-you-taking-a-picture-of-me face, haha.

Awake

2009-05-14T02:32:00.000+02:00

Still awake at 2:30am and thinking about Titus 2.

1But as for you, speak the things which are fitting for sound doctrine. 2 Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance.

3Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

6Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; 7in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, 8sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us.

I find it slightly amusing that of the four categories of people listed here (older & younger men & women), the younger men have a considerably shorter list of things to learn. To be sensible. Although it could be argued that the "likewise" at the start of verse 6 means ditto for the dudes.

Titus 2:3-5 has been one of my favorite passages for a long time. One of my favorite small group book studies, "A Woman's High Calling" by Elizabeth George, is based on this passage.

I'm pondering which younger women I am pouring into and what I am doing to teach what is good and encourage them to love. I'm also thinking about who are the older women in my life from whom I can learn what is good and be encouraged by to love. Honestly, I feel unbalanced right now. I'm pouring out my 23+ years of wisdom (which is a lot of learn-from-my-mistakes) on these high school girls but not getting much of the more versed and aged wisdom instilled in me. Hm... think I'll have to do something about that. Anyone interested in being an older woman to me? :)

May for Memories

2009-05-12T20:21:00.003+02:00

I am still ecstatic for all the things about which I've recently been reeling- people expressing a common desire for real community, getting to live with students, and hopefully being able to drive again soon (although I put 800km on my car driving to Frankfurt today, shh!)

But for me, May is a month of remembrance. There are lots of wonderful things to remember this month. Nana & Jenny's birthdays. Graduations and proms. Big soccer games. But there are also tough things. I've known 8 people who have committed suicide, and all but one have been in April or May. I always kind of feel like I'm holding my breath during the Spring, not just because of allergies, but also hoping that I'll make it through the season without going to a funeral of a friend. Sunday night I pulled out their fading obituaries to remind myself of the importance of relationships.

God designed us for relationships. It is not good to be indefinitely alone. A quote from my friend Amy's obit from 2002 reads "All Amy wanted was to succeed. And she did. She succeeded in touching all of us." But she didn't know that. She used to send me the most random emails. I didn't even think we were particularly close, but she would write emails just telling me about her day as if it were commonplace for us to share even the inconsequential things in life. And I could probably count on one hand how many times I wrote her back.

I know none of these were my fault, and I'm not looking for anyone to remind me of that. I want to encourage you all to really really love the people in your life. Tell them what they mean to you even if it means making you vulnerable. Stop being so busy and make time to shoot the breeze together. Return emails, even if they seem insignificant. Drive friends to the airport at 3:30am. Don't be afraid to show affection or say the word LOVE. And most importantly, share the reason for the hope that you have.

Who Loves Driving? I Do!

2009-05-07T17:13:00.002+02:00

Is there a cloud above cloud nine? Because that's where I am :)

Another miracle! I should have a German driver's license in a few weeks!!!!

Here's how it works: I needed to get the mayor's office to stamp my application as proof that I actually reside here. Then the German version of the BMV known as the Fuehrersteinstelle at the Landratsamt for Landkreis Loerrach approves the application. I pay and then wait three weeks or so until I get a card in the mail telling me my German license (valid for life) is ready to be picked up.

Last time I got all the way through the stamping, initial approval, and payment. And then got a phone call saying it wouldn't work because of the seizure medical restriction I had on my Indiana license. So I'm not totally convinced that this will work until I actually have the license in hand, but I'd say it's about 95% certain because the guy that did the work today is the rule stickler who looked everything over three times and asked questions for clarification while I was still there.

So here's what happened today. I took my application to the mayor's office. The man that does the stamping, who knows me (and therefore might remember that I've already done this once) was not in. A woman unfamiliar with all the steps was. She wrote the thing I knew would be the hangup at the next place big and clearly- the date I moved to Germany. For a moment I thought about how I could write over the date to make it work... you know like adding an extra leg to an F to make it an A. But of course I wouldn't do that.... and there's no good way to turn 25.07.2008 into 25.04.2009.

The drive to Loerrach is about 20 minutes. It was 20 minutes of intermingled prayer and practicing how I would try to explain (in German) how it was that I got an Alabama driver's license while living in Germany while still maintaining my permanent home in Indiana- offering an Indiana license that expired in 2006 as proof.

The Fuehrersteinstelle lines are normally worse than an American BMV because there is no check in procedure. Your name or number doesn't get called. Everyone just stands in a clump in a hallway trying to remember who was there before them. Also, normally, there have been just two people working: one woman who denied my application the first time who knows the ins and outs of my whole license fiasco and the man in the corner office with a really thick accent. So, normally, the herd stands in the hallway waiting for one of these two people to flip the switch that turns on a green light above their door, meaning “next victim.”

Today there was no line. And there were five doors lit up- four red and one green. I took a deep breath, switched my mind to thinking in German and walked in to the thick accent guy's office. I've worked with him before but usually tried to steer clear when possible because he is so difficult for me to understand! But yet again, today was different. I understood him, and he understood me. I was using words that I haven't used since high school vocabulary tests- words I don't even remember.

He poured over the application, his computer screen and two different books. He called someone in and mumbled something to her too low for me to articulate. I practiced how I would break the bad news to Lane and Michelle. And then he hit me with it...

“I'm sorry Miss Haymond. The problem is that your license was issued since you've been living here in Germany. So we unfortunately have to follow the reciprocity law for your previous license. I see this Indiana one expired in 2006, do you have a newer one?”

I did not give him a copy of the 2006-2009 Indiana license with the medical restriction on it because I figured it would bring up extra questions. “Yes I had another, but it was also Indiana.”

“Ok, I don't need to see it then. But that means you will have to take the written test, an eye examination and pay an extra 8 Euros.”

“That's the bad news?”

“Yes, I'm sorry.”

“No! No! That's great! That's fine! I'll take the test!” I might have been a little too enthusiastic at this point.

I signed the form for the test and license and payed (again). He said he'd see me in a few weeks when it's ready.

Yay!!!! The next step is studying and taking the written test. We had 5 staff members who also had to do this earlier in the year, and none of them passed the first time. But I think I can. Thanks so much for your prayers! I was told many times that this wouldn't work, but here's proof that God is bigger than laws. And sometimes laws are worth fighting.

Tuesday Blurb

2009-05-05T21:02:00.012+02:00

Today was fun. The cat's out of the bag that I'll be an RA at Maugenhard, although for the record, until I'm in with the Maug Men, the Sonne Knights are still my boys. I will always love my Sonne boys but given my current lack of driving privileges with the loving German government, it just made sense for me to be at the only boys' dorm in town. D told me today that he thinks I should hang my Sonne sweatshirt in my room in Maug to show my loyalty :) That's a good way to start pranks! I doubt the shirt would come back the same color or in one piece.

So now that students know, I'm taking the opportunity to ask them for advice... things they wish they could tell new RAs. I'm taking notes; so students, bring on the advice while you have the opportunity.

There was a home track meet this weekend, and I got to help out with long jump. Man, I love coaching! I was cheering for and yelling at all the teams. Hopefully next year I'll get to help coach track or soccer. That would be so much fun!!!!!!!

I got my Alabama driver's license in the mail today. Thanks Ashley! Thursday I'll take it to the German version of the BMV to see if I can drive again here. JOIN ME IN PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE. By German law, this won't work... but stranger things have happened. It's worth trying and fighting.

And I told you about losing money to the evil gas machine last week. My friend who speaks Swiss German called the station and they said they found the overage and would give it to me whenever I come back in with my receipt. How great would it be to hear a YES from the German government about my license and then drive into beautiful Switzerland and pick up some money to celebrate?

Since multiple people have said something about my blog name change, I changed it back. Ta dah! It was nice to know that at least a few people actually read this :) On that note, if anyone would like to join the list of folks I send emails to every few weeks updating what's going in my ministry, send me an email Sarah.Haymond@gmail.com There are many things I don't write on here because I don't know who reads this... so if you want the real heart matters and to know how to pray for me and what's going on in this unique place, that's the way to do it.

Life is hard but good. Some have asked how they can encourage me. Here are some sure fire ways:

1. Send me an email just telling me the everyday stuff about your life that you might think boring. It isn't to me. Although I sometimes am slow at responding (right Nate?), I really appreciate feeling like a part of people's lives and getting to grow friendships even while apart.
2. Music! I listen to music a lot now but will be doing so even more as an RA. I'll be spending hours every day in the kitchen cooking and cleaning up after 30 high school boys- some new music once in a while would be such a nice treat.
3. When you pray for me, tell me. It makes all the difference to KNOW people are behind me.

Weekend Stories

2009-04-27T13:33:00.006+02:00

This last weekend was great! Cara had the weekend off, so she stayed here. Friday night we cooked and then went to watch the sunset at my new favorite overlook at Feuerbach. But Auntie Anne and her crazy winds came to visit just as it started to sink behind the mountains. A tree fell- some stinkin strong wind.

Saturday morning I got to work at the BFA car clinic. I got there an hour early and had some good reflection & prayer time just sitting by the creek. And then the car frenzy began. I think we had 18 vehicles come through in 3 hours to get full body safety inspections, fluids filled and tires changed. I remembered how much I love cars and how ridiculous men can be. It was my job to keep the cars flowing smoothly in and out of the tire changing area, laying out the tires by where they should go, pulling hubcaps, and breaking lugs. All very simple prep jobs. But apparently more than some men could handle (mainly just the ones who referred to breaker bars as "thingys," consistently put lugs on backwards and tried to run lugs back on with only the torque gun). What was funny though is, for some reason, I couldn't seem to keep my balance when pulling off a hubcap. So I did something like this probably about 30 times: squat, pull off hubcap, hold for brief second, the PLOP...fall on butt.

After my hands no longer looked caucasian, Cara and I loaded up my car and headed to Denton's in Lausanne, CH. It should've been a two hour drive...

Gas is significantly cheaper in Switzerland than Germany, so I thought it would be no big deal to stop at the station right on the autobahn just across the border. But I was imagining a different autobahn in my mind, and the one we were on didn't have a station on the road. If life were a movie I would've called this bad foreshadowing number 1 from Cara: "Wouldn't it be funny if our car broke down in the French speaking part of Switzerland?" (Since neither of us speak French). So, Nuvi (my friendly but often schizophrenic GPS) directed us to the closest station- 7km off the autobahn. We were on a terrible sounding road, and this bad foreshadowing number 2 from me: "What is that sound? I guess it's the road but it sounds like a flat."

We got to the gas station and didn't check the tires. I hop out and put a 50 in the machine. Everything was automated- no one working. It ate my money and didn't turn the pump on!! (This really is smart except for when it eats your money. I wonder when the States will be this efficient).

We drove to another station; it didn't take my American or German cards, and also did not accept Euros. I had stuck my only 50 CHF in the other place. And Cara just had a 20. So she reluctantly put it in the cousin of the devil machine and had better fortune. Going to a third gas station, we finally found one that would accept Euros, so I filled her up, and we got back on the road.

Not much longer later, but long enough for us to cross into the French part of Switzerland, a woman in a convertible pulled up next to us and was mouthing and doing funny looking hand motions that we finally figured out meant "you have a flat tire, idiot."

We pulled into a parking area, and sure enough the back right was a goner. Stupid foreshadowing. Good thing I'd had plenty of practice changing tires that morning. Problem was that the lugs were on waaaay to tight, and even my JUMPING on the lug wrench only broke 2 of them. I'd broken the seal on about 200 lugs that morning without too much strain. But these things were ridiculous. Some French man helped us. I felt like a stupid, incapable American woman, haha. Poor guy broke a serious sweat, and I didn't even have anything to offer him to clean his hands with.

Moral of the story: keep a pipe in your car just in case you get a flat with tight lugs and there are no Frenchmen around.

We finally made it to D's, and he thoroughly spoiled us for the rest of the weekend. We wandered around Lac Leman (Lake Geneva), ate some great steaks & crepes, had some good wine, got to attend his always encouraging church, C3 Lausanne... just relaxed. So nice.

The trip back did just take 2 hours. I thought to myself "I hope I don't get a speeding ticket." Hopefully this wasn't bad foreshadowing number 3, but I won't know for a few weeks. Tickets here are sent by mail.

Cara & one of her girls came back to my apartment to watch football drafts, and I went to Maug to see some of my guys. A good time away and the weekend concluded with the students we love- Cara watching sports with her girls and me baking cookies for and watching a movie with the boys.

...will post pictures once I get them from Cara. I don't like taking pictures because they don't turn out like I imagine them to. I didn't get Dad & Jenny's knack for photography.

Things I Ponder

2009-04-23T22:15:00.003+02:00

Lately I've been wondering what it takes to have genuine, healthy community.
I wonder what it takes for adults to share their joys and struggles earnestly.
I wonder how to encourage students to not be naive without simultaneously corrupting or scaring them.
I wonder how to train them up to respect the urgent things in life but to focus on the important.
I wonder what it is in the fields between Palm & Feuerbach that makes my allergies kick into high gear.
I wonder why Dave Barnes' songs, more than other artists', make my heart like butter.
I wonder what life will be like this summer without students or most of the staff around. I hope that I'll use the free time to pray and do something about these things that make me think... and maybe I'll go to Mallorca to ride a motorcycle across the island. Maybe :)

I've been writing back and forth with a friend in the States about the genuine community thing, and he's been a big encouragement. Thanks Jake! Please join me in praying for the BFA community (where we happen to live) to be a place in which lives are changed for Christ.

I know I have not been pulling my weight in encouraging the community. I know our faith is not about how often we study the Bible, how many prayer groups we go to or anything works-related. But how can I pour my life into the students I am here to serve if I am not constantly having my cup filled? And I haven't been. Please pray for a new passion to spend quality time with our God. More than anything else... more than wanting to chop down the pretty trees by Feuerbach so I can run without sneezing... I want to want to know God more richly. I want to want it.

My friend Guy (thanks Guy!) has also been helping me talk through community, and he sent me this video on relationships.

Unfortunately I'm not technically savvy enough to know how to put the video directly on here, but that's the link to it on facebook.

Agape

2009-04-21T18:37:00.006+02:00

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.

Have I told you guys lately that I love these students? I love and am so proud of them. They bless and challenge me every day that I get to spend with them.

The Nine Month Change

2009-04-17T10:18:00.007+02:00

Every nine months or so I get an overwhelming urge to do something new- a thirst for change. I've always chalked this up to the combination of being a woman- maybe we just can't hold things in for more than nine months at a time- and living within the 9 month school calendar for so long. Whatever the case, last night I was laying in bed thinking the same old thoughts of "I'm trapped! What am I doing?! I haven't done anything new lately! Ah!" It was panic setting in, and then the realization that next week will be exactly 9 months from when I moved to Germany.

I've been going through this panic/ restless cycle since the age of 15, the year I got my first job, traveled out of the country for the first time, and got my driver's permit. Since then, I've moved 9 times, changed jobs 17 times, owned 8 vehicles, and gone to some form of school for 5 very different careers (none of which I'm currently doing).

I can recount my life for the last 9 years in 9 month stints with a few exceptions: I stayed in my Eastside Evansville apartment for a whole year. I worked for Dr Brown almost 2 years (and would've stayed longer had I not moved to another continent). And I plan on staying here in Germany well past 9 months! Thankfully, relationships are exempt from my this restlessness. I don't ditch them like used cars. Actually, several of my best friends I met in that same year. I guess 15 was a big one for me.

So, now I need to figure out what big change to make so I don't keep laying awake at night feeling like my skin is crawling from being in one place for so long. If you have ever taken a glucose tolerance test, that is what my nine month panic feels like. For those of you who are fortunate enough to not have been asked to take this devil test, let me explain.
1. Fast for 8-12 hours.
2. Go to hospital.
3. Nurse draws blood.
4. Drink a nasty sugar drink and then sit in a hospital room for about 45 minutes trying not to think about all that sweetness pouring through your foodless system.
5. Draw blood again.
6. Repeat steps 4 and 5 as many times as the doctor sees fit or until patient passes out.

Side note, the nurse did offer me a golf magazine in an attempt to captivate my attention for the hours that it felt like ants were crawling under my skin. And surprise, surprise, I passed out before I'd been stuck enough to have conclusive results.

THIS, is what my restlessness feels like... ants crawling under my skin, and as hard as I try to think about something else, it just doesn't happen... and then I pass out. Haha.

Ok, back to figuring out what change I'll make within the next week. Although changes in my living space, job, and car could be coming soon, I need something to tide over the thirst until then. Maybe hobbies.
------------------------------------------------------

I wrote that post yesterday morning. Since then I've been trying out the hobby thing, and it's actually working. I don't feel the ants crawling as much! I've gone for 2 runs, a good walk, and done lots of pushups and situps. I've read 2 books, cooked, cleaned, practiced drawing, done hours of grad school research, listened to some GSC sermons, and talked with the family. Mainly it's been the reading and grad school research that has kept me occupado. I feel like this is what people who drink lots of caffeine feel like.
------------------------------------------------------

If I were in the States right now, I would buy a motorcycle (preferably a Vegas Low because it's like sexy bike except my size) and ride to my least favorite state (Louisiana, with Mississippi at a close second) to get some gumbo. I'm really craving wind and gumbo right now :) I'm sure that buying a new toy would satiate the thirst for a while.

But since I am here without driving privileges or good spicy food, I suppose I'll dig into my new New Testament Survey book.

WW I Trenches

2009-04-14T19:53:00.007+02:00

I know I said yesterday that I would take pretty springtime pictures, but I went to explore some WWI trenches instead. It was pretty incredible running through the maze of trenches gripped with the stupidity of breaking off from my group and wondering which turn they took, crawling through the caves, and seeing the bomb craters, amazing view from the top of the mountain and the enormity of the cemetery. So here are some pictures from both the French and German sides:

Back to the Fatherland

2009-04-13T10:45:00.002+02:00

In the two weeks that I was gone to the States, spring hit western Europe in full swing. It's gorgeous here! Radiators are off and windows open- inviting the the pretty flowers to bring on my sneezing. I'm going out this afternoon, so I'll take some pictures for you guys. I hear local honey and tea are supposed to help negate allergies, so I plan to test that theory.

Next time I go to the States, I would like to go for 3 weeks. Two weeks was just too short to squeeze everything in! Most of my time was spent meeting with people one-on-one to talk about what's been going on in our lives for the last 9 months or so. Man, it was awesome. I didn't want to come back. One-on-one life talks and driving are my favorite things, and I got to do that for two whole weeks! No work, responsibility, bills... just good stuff, so of course I didn't want to leave.

Several people have asked about the Alabama license. I got it! So now I will try turning it in for a German one. I still can't legally drive here, but that's a step in the right direction.

The trip back was much less eventful than the way there. There were 14 people on my flight from Evansville to Detroit, so I had my own window and aisle seats. And from Detroit to Frankfurt I had the same set up. I got to curl up in a little ball on the two seats and sleep my way back to Germany. And there were no crinkling chip bags, snorers or mouth-breathers, or seat-kicking kids. Ahh...nice. I had Easter lunch with the Youngs and then spent the afternoon visiting with the RA folks who were congregated at Sonne.

When I moved here last summer, I brought 2 suitcases of clothes, a 5 gal Rubbermaid tub of shoes and books, a laptop, and a backpack. Although that is already PLENTY of stuff and much more than anyone needs to survive, this time I brought back some just-for-fun stuff to make this place feel like home. Like my ballet slippers... I've had them on all day, just because they make me feel dainty and make me want to dance. And CDs! I missed musical variety!! And my favorite jeans that are full or holes and covered in paint stains that will be of use when working on the dorms this summer. Some other completely unnecessary but much loved belongings to cross the pond: my favorite heels (aka witch shoes) that are completely safe on the flat roads of Indiana but will be hazardous on German cobblestone, hair extensions for those days when I miss having long hair, and Boggle.

Now, if you'll excuse me, a perfect song just came on to put my ballet slippers to use, so I need to go dance on my balcony.

from Southern Indiana

2009-04-02T01:12:00.004+02:00

Writing from the comfort of my parents home, I'm happy to report that home is still comforting.

It's been so great to be here. The train ride & flights here were something straight out of a bad comedy- the mouth breather behind me on the train that made me ball fists and fight from turning around and smacking him awake; the chip chomper who had snacks to last the entire 9.5 hour flight on my right and the loud complainers on my left, the screaming seat kicker behind me, and the man who leans his seat all the way back even during meal time in front of me. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much. But 7 out of 10 doctors say that it's good for the bottom to feel the pangs of sleep deprivation (that which comes from let's say 42 hours without rest) every once in a while so that it appreciates regular sleep.

Mom, Dad, and another friend met me at the airport. I was very thankful for no welcome home throng since I'd been holding my ire at bay for so long. I was a tad bit grumpy :) We went to Dad & Mom's, ate the wonderful meats Mom had cooked, tried to reacquainte with the quads, and I was out by 7:30.

Monday held driving cars (yay!!), surprising some friends at their work places, riding in a semi to Owensboro, getting lost in the city in which I lived for almost 2 decades, some great Chinese food with family, and working out in a gym. I miss 24-hour fitness centers. Or any fitneses center actually because who am I kidding? I can't stay awake past 9:30!

Tuesday I got to meet two new baby friends, have chick flick time with my sister, drive my Mom's scooter around, and eat steak...mmmmmeat.

Today = more babies, guitar hero and Mexican food :) Life is good when days are spent just having one-on-one time with people (and working out and eating).

Next on the list: visiting my grandparents in Kentucky tomorrow, the Alabama BMV on Friday, and Georgia sometime Friday night/ Saturday morning. Be back Saturday!

Les Mis & Word Twist

2009-03-27T22:30:00.006+01:00

I should be packing...

School's out for 2 weeks!!! And you know how I celebrated? I came home to my favorite sweatpants, sang Sister Hazel loud enough that it probably made the neighbor's dog howl, cooked dinner, played some text twist (without feeling guilty for playing for 45 minutes), called my family, and read. What a wild woman I've become :)

I got to be a part of a miracle this week! Part of the aforementioned joys of travel week is seeing how God does the impossible with regard to travel visas. I'm responsible for getting visas for all of the students going away for spring break. One of the "toughest" countries drew many of us to our knees this week. A process that normally takes about a month was done in 2 days. By human law, reason, and logic, the student should not have been able to get that visa in such circumstances. Good thing we serve a God who is not bound by human regulations.

When I called the parents this week to tell them about the hangup, I was really surprised to hear myself say "I look forward to seeing this miracle happen" and realize that I actually believed it. Those aren't my words. On my own accord they sound quite cocky, but they weren't mine. My faith is characterized by doubt. It was God inviting that family and me to walk out on the water and not look down- to trust that He can do what we can't. Very cool.

Also very cool (on a much less spiritual note) that I will be in Evansville in 47 hours. Charlie's & BWW here I come!

Travel Week

2009-03-25T10:28:00.003+01:00

Travel week is the week preceding a BFA school break… this week… the week to email every parent of boarding students to make sure I have the right flight information for all of them and then get bombarded with questions from those parents… the week to pray for and hope expectantly for miracles regarding visas… the week for flights to get canceled and then a mad fury happens to reschedule… the week of putting all the kids travel plans into one massive spreadsheet and then splitting them up into groups for van runs and assigning those van runs to dorm staff… the week for pulling together the travel plans for the 7 mission trips leaving on Saturday. Ahh, travel week… a task-driven and organizationally-minded, type A personality’s dream project: messy information that needs cleaning up and put into neat little boxes with or without bows on top.

I kind of like travel week except for the bombardment, visa scares, and hard-to-reach parents. So, I suppose it’s just the massive spreadsheet that I like; it’s a puzzle better than sudoku or crosswords because knowing the people (and knowing who’s always late, or who wouldn’t feel comfortable driving to a certain place) adds an extra dimension.

But to add to this travel week, the Personnel Office of normally 4 staff members is down to yours truly. Two are out for medical reasons. One is at a conference. The last travel week, I basically checked out from my Personnel responsibilities and just played with the puzzle. But, not this time! I’m ready to get on that plane to the States on Sunday. Just 5 tickets and 1 visa between me and two weeks of no self-imposed coffee drinking (yuck) to keep my eyes open just a bit longer.

My Chains are Gone

2009-03-09T21:35:00.002+01:00

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

I love this song and feel its truth resonating with my life more today than ever before. Everyone has made selfish decisions, got caught up in the lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh, and pride of life. And for every single person and every single screw up, God's grace is sufficient.

Today I got to tell some friends about how God has and is transforming me, and it is just so stinkin exciting to see God working in and through me. I love it!!! It blows me away that despite how many times I mess up and how many people I hurt, nothing is beyond his redemptive capacity, and there is nothing he cannot use to cause growth and encouragement.

I feel like such a different person than I did 4 years ago. I am excited to look back and realize that but even more excited to be able to share the cause of that change. My chains are gone. I've been set free!

Doing Life

2009-03-04T20:46:00.002+01:00

I love how God uses the crappy situations I always seem to put myself in to draw me closer to Him and remind me of forgotten truths and challenges.

In London a couple weeks ago, my friends and I stayed with an incredible lady with whom I got to have some great conversations. Even though we'd just met, the Holy Spirit and genuine desire to see a fully functioning body of Christ in both of us made it as if we could see one another through God's eyes instead of our own. I hope I was as much an encouragement and challenger to her as she was to me.

During one of our morning chats before anyone else was up, we talked about being single. She craves companionship and a godly male role model for her kids so much that it caused physical pain in my chest when I prayed for that for her. She is such a passionate and incredible lady, and I want so badly for her to have someone to share her tough prison ministry with.

As much as I long to have someone to do life with, I want it even more for her. And in that brief moment of unselfishness, she taught me a good lesson. I've heard sermon after sermon about singleness being a gift, a season, an opportunity, a time of preparation... and essentially, she was saying the same thing, but something in her words clicked differently in my heart. She made me want to be productive in my singleness by clinging to our God and spending umpteens of time with Him like I would a man. This is nothing new, nothing I haven't heard of or thought about before. But I haven't often seen it in practice. That singleness is a gift is something that women slightly older and more lonely than me say with a tear in their eye. But there was no facade with my new friend.

I don't like the awkwardness and giddiness of new relationships because I don't trust my own emotions very much. I don't trust the hype of newness and am quite adept at trying to rush through it to get to the part where we can just be together, in full confidence that both love God, love people, and love one another... not having to question the commitment. And THAT is how I saw my friend's day-to-day relationship with God. It's not new and wavering. They talk first thing in the morning about what her day will look like. She bounces ideas off of him, and they laugh at inside jokes. She calls him throughout the day without worry of annoying him. They work through problems together. They fight. They grow. She doesn't understand everything he says and does but knows without a shadow of a doubt that he has her best interests in mind. And so she trusts him and wants to get to know more of him every single day. They do life together.

She challenged me to embrace the same lifestyle, and I was so excited at the time... coming up with plans and ideas to help sustain the relationship and make it healthier and less one sided than it currently is. But, I'm an idiot and forgot all of that until today.

Because I am single right now, I have been sharing all those bouncing of ideas, inside jokes, multiple phone calls and email throughout the day, sorting through problems and such among a few close friends (in attempt to not wear any one of them out with the full force of my attention). Yesterday I hurt one of those friends. And today, when ideas, jokes, problems, and opportunities to argue and grow came up that I normally would've shared with that friend, I felt an overwhelming hole when I realized I couldn't.

But, although I am soooo talented at mangling good things, God is infinitely better at not only restoring broken relationships so that they are stronger than before but also saying “I thought we were going to do life together...? I'm still willing.” If I had not felt the holes, I probably would have wasted another day (and who knows how much longer) disregarding the opportunity to do life 24/7 with the creator. So although it really hurts to know that I hurt a friend, I am so thankful for God's faithful reminder.

Just the Cashews

2009-02-28T15:51:00.003+01:00

Today has potential to be a perfect day. Katie and I stayed up talking until 4:30 this morning and then I had to watch one more episode of Lost. So I was anticipating to sleep the day away until I have to be at school this evening for our big outreach called Candlelight Dinner. But instead I got up for brunch with friends at my favorite restaurant around here and enjoyed the sunny 57 degree weather! It's gorgeous! I even came home and took a catnap in the sun on my roof (it's a flat roof) and did a little reading. So the biggest problem today is, "why do I have to eat so many peanuts in my 3 lb tin of mixed nuts to get to the cashews?"

London pictures and stories to come...

A Good Couple Weeks

2009-02-18T10:25:00.009+01:00

Several people have told me that February is the hardest month at BFA. The relaxation of Christmas break is long gone, but the sicknesses that the students brought back with them still linger. Spring break seems a lifetime away. And it's cold- really cold. This morning, when I headed out to the bus stop at Sonne, where snow drifts were knee-high, the thermometer read -8 degrees Celsius.

February has been the hardest for me as well. Staff and students are dropping like flies from the BFA super-virus that is bred when all the students return from various countries with different sicknesses and then live in close quarters. We've had computer problems that corrupted the database that I do most of my work on. And the frustrations of not driving are teaching me to be more patient and rely on others, but frustrations nonetheless.

What is amazing, however, is that despite this being the hardest time, the last two weeks have also been some of the happiest I've had here. It starts with God fixing my bad attitude. Then it comes from having two incredible friends here. Cara and Timmy probably don't realize how much I've needed their support lately, but something as simple as them making me a CD of songs I like was a good slap in the face- a wake-up-people-care-about-you-and-want-to-help slap.

Cara walks into a room and makes it brighter, happier, and more fun. She is funny even when she doesn't mean to be and one of the most genuine people I've ever met. She has more energy and enthusiasm than I could even dream of mustering and brings spunk and laughter into my life.

Timmy is also fun, incredibly genuine, and makes me laugh a lot, but he's the balance in my world for Crazy Cara. He is passionate about loving and serving people, a hard-worker, and is not afraid to tell the blunt truth when it needs to be said. He brings wisdom, insight, and truth into my life.

I'm not really sure what I give them. I'm trying to be the kind of friend that friends like them deserve by loving, praying for, telling the truth even when it's not fun, and just being available to them. They are wonderful. Unfortunately the only picture I have of the three of us is from orientation last summer, and it's just our backsides. But here's one of them from Christmas Banquet.

So, I'm thankful for God fixing my attitude and for my friends. But I'm also thankful for time away from work! Last Thursday I went to Paris on last minute notice with a new friend named Peter. We left at 5am, rode the 3 hour train, did tourist stuff all day (Notre Dame, Louvre, Arch de Triumph, Eiffel Tower, French crepes mmm) then got back at 1am. It was a long, spontaneous and great day!

When I got back to my office Friday morning, the Witt girls had decorated it with streamers, tons of encouraging little post it notes, roses, and chocolate. How awesome are they?!

Then later that day, Cara, another RA named Anna, and a student named Leah, piled in my car (which I still own, but Cara drove) and went to Garmisch, Germany for the weekend to stay with Leah's mom. The house was full of other friends who had come visit that weekend as well and was a blast! Friday night was meat fest a.k.a. my version of heaven. Saturday morning the two married guys in the bunch that were visiting went out and got roses for all of us ladies and then took us to breakfast.
Then Cara, Anna, and I broke off from the group while they went skiing. We saw Zugspitz (the highest mountain around here that has family significance for me), Neuschwanstein and the King's Castle, and a hockey game! Sunday we went on an army base and bought all kinds of goodies that can't be bought elsewhere- like Orange Gatorade, Starburst Jellybeans, and Trail Mix- three things for which I am also thankful :)

Neuschwanstein

I'm going to London this weekend. It feels crazy to be doing so much traveling, but these are my first big places I've visited since being here. The cheap flights and free places to stay all happen to have come up during the month of February, the hardest month at BFA. What a blessing for opportunities to come at the time when I need it most.