License Update

Several people have asked for an update on the driving situation, and now I've realized that I never even wrote on the blog what I sent out to my support team. The short version is that there's a far-fetched chance that I could get an Alabama driver's license without an epilepsy restriction when I go back to the States next month and then exchange that for a German license. It would work on the American side. Three years of seizure-free behavior earns a clean license in Alabama (where I lived for 3 years), and I've been seizure-free for 3.5 years. The tricky part is the German side. You have 6 months to change over your license that was issued before coming here. I'm past six months, and it will be a new license. So I wrote to the German side explaining everything and asking for the needed waivers. I haven't heard anything yet.

Even if I find out it won't work, I might still drive to Alabama because I've got myself so psyched up to go to my favorite restaurants: Thai Emerald, Formaggio's, The Grape, and Waffle House for some key lime pie. Mmmmmfood. And then I would go sit at five points and soak in the life of the city for a while. Maybe find a lonely old man to play chess with outside the Starbucks like I did in college.

Detox

I got to spend the last five days at Maugenhard (Lane and Michelle's dorm for all you CFC people). The normal staff of 6 for the 29 high school boys was down to 3 with the Youngs off and one RA in the States, so I showed up and asked to be put to work.

The day after spending time in a dorm is crashing after a drug binge. It's a tough transition back into my office after getting to play mom for a bunch of crazy boys. I realize I don't have a clear understanding of what the dorm parents and RAs have to do since I've never stayed in one dorm for longer than a week. But it's like a drug to me... getting to take care of people in practical ways. Cooking, cleaning, staying up all night tending to the sick, putting them in their place when being punks, helping with homework, throwing snowballs, wrestling, watching them play rugby (and wishing I'd thought of bringing orange slices)... I love it all.

Plug

Here's some BFA news: we still are looking for staff members for next year- especially a PE teacher, middle school English, a librarian, and male resident assistants. Think about it; pray about it. Spread the word.

http://bfacademy.com/staffopen.asp

Look at how much fun you could be having! "Creeking" is a lovely dorm tradition.

Announcement!

Hey Everyone I know and love in the United States,

I'll be in Evansville, IN from March 29-April 11. Make plans to come visit!!

I'm so excited that I'm already working on my list of things to do. Sadly, most of those things involve restaurants because I miss the wonders of Fazoli's breadsticks, Olive Garden's salad dressing, Hornville Tavern's beer bread, everything beef... ok, I'm stopping that list for the time being. Also, I'm exited about going to Resurgence and CFC!! Driving and maybe giving my motorcycle helmet some use... going out at night (everything in Kandern is closed by 8pm). Speaking English. Eating Mexican food. Listening to country music. Going to a comedy club, maybe?! Or even just a movie. Man, the luxurious options! I'm sure I'll think of way more things to do than I'll get around to because the real point of the visit is to be with you people that I haven't hugged in too many months. So, really, I don't care too much what I do (except getting a steak; that's not negotiable) as long as I get to spend time with friends and family. Nine weeks notice is plenty of advanced warning to make some time. Looking forward to seeing you!

But in the mean time, here's a bit of what's been going on here:

Friday night I was craving some time away, so Saturday Katie and I went to a lake about an hour north of here and split up to go on dates with Jesus for a few hours. It was nice to be far enough away from school that I could breathe. And it was a great date. I explored a new city, stopping at a little cafe for hot chocolate and cherry pie. Then I walked around the lake, through the forest, and conquered some painfully steep hills.

Schuluchsee about 2pm on one of the few clear days we've had lately


The ripples looked like diamonds



This is why they call it the black forest. It was so tempting to climb trees. But given that the lower half of my face hurt from my wisdom teeth and the upper half from getting hit with a football the day before, I realized that when I fell it would likely hurt my head even more than normal... and head injuries in the black forest by myself just sounds like a bad idea. So I was content to wander and imagine Grimm brother fairytales in that setting.

Just 6 more days left to drive! I'm making a "celebration" trip to Bern CH on Friday- actually just going to stand in line for a few hours at the embassy while I have the freedom to get there easily. Pray that the car sells.

The Fight

Given the inevitable stress of my job, as part of my contract at BFA I agreed to talking to a counselor to make sure I don't snap. I had no problem accepting their request; it's very respectable that they try to prevent melt downs among staff members. Plus, I usually enjoy welcoming those who want to jump inside my brain with me. Well, my counselor freed me from big brother's watchful eye and deemed me mentally stable a few months ago but we still meet together to chat once in a while... not out of worry on my new found friend's part, but because we enjoy one another's company and of course there are MANY things for me to work on that my friend can help point out. Otherwise I wouldn't have such a self-centered blog. I would write about all the things God is doing around me instead of the truth He's revealing in me.

So, today when we were chatting, we came to a funny realization that my mind and heart are in an epic battle. I imagined a little brain swathed in an epileptic's soft helmet and an even littler heart with balled fists ready to duke it out and had to laugh. I wish I could draw it, but unfortunately the closest I get to doodling is long division.

Thus far in the great duel, my mind has always won. What is practical and efficient dominates any tactics the heart has ever offered. I equate my heart defeating my mind as trouble- the kind of trouble that makes 15 year old girls think they're in love and then have to raise a child on their own. And not doing the right and responsible thing terrifies me. Slipping up, making a mistake, not living up to expectations. Those are the reasons I trust my mind and tell my heart to take the back seat, and to wrap up in a cast iron blanket while you're at it.

My friend asked, "do you want your heart and brain to be friends?" It seemed like a funny abstract conversation to be having, but obviously it intrigued me enough to write about. And yes, I realized, I do wish my heart were stronger... or rather that I trusted it enough to drop the metal shroud around it and let it speak once in a while.

A few weeks ago I heard a sermon about how the things we do for love (agape, eros, or otherwise) sometimes offend our minds. We do things that don't make sense for the sake of showing love to others. The mind let's the heart lead the dance. I want to be capable of that. I probably am and just don't realize it because I'm afraid to try. My brain believes that my heart has the strength to step up, but my dumb little heart is full of doubt.

It's easier and safer to let my mind run the show and guard the heart, but that's not a well-rounded existence. Yesterday afternoon I had a tearful bit of a revelation. After being thoroughly absorbed in the love story of the books I've been reading it was a huge let down to look at my life and not believe that that really exists outside of the pages of creative writing. This is the reason I stopped reading Christian fiction. Those stories are so predictable. Christian man meets Christian woman and knows how to pursue her just enough that would be considered creepy if she didn't want to be pursued, and she knows how to let him. And then two days later they are married. But now love stories at all- even those involving vampires, apparently- are evoking that same emotion in me. And the realization was this: my head knows that those stories happen. There's evidence all around. I am 100% confident that God can create better love stories than even the most compelling authors. But my heart doesn't believe that it will happen to me. I imagined myself as a single, bitter woman, and that was terrifying. I do not want that. I do not need a man to be complete in Christ. My significance is in Him, of that I am confident, head and heart. But, the more I see the heart love in others' lives, the starker the contrast to my mind-driven life.

God's got a lot of work to do in me for sure. I'm hoping that spending more time with families will help build a stronger heart in me as well as a better appreciation for its wellspring of life-ness. I'm fairly certain that as I type this and commit to focusing more on developing my heart than mind for a little while that I'm strapping myself into a roller coaster, watching the guy in charge grin ear-to-ear for what I'm getting myself into. Oh geez. Here we go.

Reading

Dear Whoever Reads My Blog,

I'm a little embarrassed to say that I am completely enthralled by a fictional series about a vampire romance, but it's true. I love the Twilight series! I remember about a year ago making fun of Emily as she told me the gist of it, but I can no longer deny it's capability to captivate my attention. Mom mailed all 4 books in the series (after she read them all in 4 days) to Timmy who brought them back here when he returned from break. And I'm just as bad as she is! I read the first two in less than 26 hours... and these are not short books, although also not requiring much intellectual stamina to get through. Anyway, they are great. I identify with the lead chick in her emotion (or lack thereof) and her difficulty in letting someone love her. As a self-critical person it is very hard to let someone else love you, or even believe that they legitimately do. I realize that it's a terrible hypocrisy to love others despite their imperfections and think they couldn't do the same for me- probably quite prideful even- but I'm a work in progress.

Coming back a bit later, I just watched the Twilight movie. I found it disjointed and fragmented; I probably would not have enjoyed it had I not read the books. But, because I have, it was nice to put faces with the characters for whom I've developed an affinity. Dad's right. It it totally a chick flick. I smiled through most of it :)

My Shield

I must warn you, what you are about to read is sentimental. To give you a better understanding of where this is coming from, here's the preface: I hate poetry. I don't like flowery words. I hope I never compare my emotions to meadows, chirping streams, or flowing birds. See? It's silly. I have more important things to do than trying to decode fluffy words. But! Last night I was talking with my friend Nathan about our future spouses and he said A Scottish man in Afghanistan, and I was inspired by the rhyme. Thus, doomed to write a poem. Gag. So, here we go... a poem about My Shield (which is what I call my husband, as well as the ring I wear on my ring finger, and when speaking in loftier notions, God).

My Shield

A Scotsman* content to live in the Stans**
who knows the difference between Iraq and Iran.

Passionate about our Lord first and foremost,
in himself he would never boast.

Gives me some competition at Boggle- winner drives Deal's Gap;
he likes making me laugh and doesn't put up with my crap.

Always up for an adventure and wilder and crazier than me,
my protector and confidant is he.

Seeing through my hard-to-show-emotion shell,
he encourages my heart's transformation into an overflowing well.

Not afraid to look a fool,
my Mr Fix-It can fix anything given the right tool.

Personally parsimonious so he can give generously,
he knows about and even loves my habit of letting strangers live with me.

Cuttin a rug and making me blush are some hobbies that melt my heart
about the one with whom I am better together than apart.

A prayer warrior on his knees,
our Lord he is eager to please.

Of a bearded manly man who quotes DeNiro,
someday I will say, "that goofball is my spiritual hero."***

Footnotes:
*He doesn't actually have to be Scottish; a practiced fake accent would be good enough :)
** Mom, this does not mean that I'm moving to Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan or Uzbekistan- just that I'd be ok with it.
***Applications now being accepted by my dad.