Just the Cashews

Today has potential to be a perfect day. Katie and I stayed up talking until 4:30 this morning and then I had to watch one more episode of Lost. So I was anticipating to sleep the day away until I have to be at school this evening for our big outreach called Candlelight Dinner. But instead I got up for brunch with friends at my favorite restaurant around here and enjoyed the sunny 57 degree weather! It's gorgeous! I even came home and took a catnap in the sun on my roof (it's a flat roof) and did a little reading. So the biggest problem today is, "why do I have to eat so many peanuts in my 3 lb tin of mixed nuts to get to the cashews?"

London pictures and stories to come...

A Good Couple Weeks

Several people have told me that February is the hardest month at BFA. The relaxation of Christmas break is long gone, but the sicknesses that the students brought back with them still linger. Spring break seems a lifetime away. And it's cold- really cold. This morning, when I headed out to the bus stop at Sonne, where snow drifts were knee-high, the thermometer read -8 degrees Celsius.

February has been the hardest for me as well. Staff and students are dropping like flies from the BFA super-virus that is bred when all the students return from various countries with different sicknesses and then live in close quarters. We've had computer problems that corrupted the database that I do most of my work on. And the frustrations of not driving are teaching me to be more patient and rely on others, but frustrations nonetheless.

What is amazing, however, is that despite this being the hardest time, the last two weeks have also been some of the happiest I've had here. It starts with God fixing my bad attitude. Then it comes from having two incredible friends here. Cara and Timmy probably don't realize how much I've needed their support lately, but something as simple as them making me a CD of songs I like was a good slap in the face- a wake-up-people-care-about-you-and-want-to-help slap.

Cara walks into a room and makes it brighter, happier, and more fun. She is funny even when she doesn't mean to be and one of the most genuine people I've ever met. She has more energy and enthusiasm than I could even dream of mustering and brings spunk and laughter into my life.

Timmy is also fun, incredibly genuine, and makes me laugh a lot, but he's the balance in my world for Crazy Cara. He is passionate about loving and serving people, a hard-worker, and is not afraid to tell the blunt truth when it needs to be said. He brings wisdom, insight, and truth into my life.

I'm not really sure what I give them. I'm trying to be the kind of friend that friends like them deserve by loving, praying for, telling the truth even when it's not fun, and just being available to them. They are wonderful. Unfortunately the only picture I have of the three of us is from orientation last summer, and it's just our backsides. But here's one of them from Christmas Banquet.

So, I'm thankful for God fixing my attitude and for my friends. But I'm also thankful for time away from work! Last Thursday I went to Paris on last minute notice with a new friend named Peter. We left at 5am, rode the 3 hour train, did tourist stuff all day (Notre Dame, Louvre, Arch de Triumph, Eiffel Tower, French crepes mmm) then got back at 1am. It was a long, spontaneous and great day!


When I got back to my office Friday morning, the Witt girls had decorated it with streamers, tons of encouraging little post it notes, roses, and chocolate. How awesome are they?!

Then later that day, Cara, another RA named Anna, and a student named Leah, piled in my car (which I still own, but Cara drove) and went to Garmisch, Germany for the weekend to stay with Leah's mom. The house was full of other friends who had come visit that weekend as well and was a blast! Friday night was meat fest a.k.a. my version of heaven. Saturday morning the two married guys in the bunch that were visiting went out and got roses for all of us ladies and then took us to breakfast.
Then Cara, Anna, and I broke off from the group while they went skiing. We saw Zugspitz (the highest mountain around here that has family significance for me), Neuschwanstein and the King's Castle, and a hockey game! Sunday we went on an army base and bought all kinds of goodies that can't be bought elsewhere- like Orange Gatorade, Starburst Jellybeans, and Trail Mix- three things for which I am also thankful :)

Neuschwanstein

I'm going to London this weekend. It feels crazy to be doing so much traveling, but these are my first big places I've visited since being here. The cheap flights and free places to stay all happen to have come up during the month of February, the hardest month at BFA. What a blessing for opportunities to come at the time when I need it most.

License Update

Several people have asked for an update on the driving situation, and now I've realized that I never even wrote on the blog what I sent out to my support team. The short version is that there's a far-fetched chance that I could get an Alabama driver's license without an epilepsy restriction when I go back to the States next month and then exchange that for a German license. It would work on the American side. Three years of seizure-free behavior earns a clean license in Alabama (where I lived for 3 years), and I've been seizure-free for 3.5 years. The tricky part is the German side. You have 6 months to change over your license that was issued before coming here. I'm past six months, and it will be a new license. So I wrote to the German side explaining everything and asking for the needed waivers. I haven't heard anything yet.

Even if I find out it won't work, I might still drive to Alabama because I've got myself so psyched up to go to my favorite restaurants: Thai Emerald, Formaggio's, The Grape, and Waffle House for some key lime pie. Mmmmmfood. And then I would go sit at five points and soak in the life of the city for a while. Maybe find a lonely old man to play chess with outside the Starbucks like I did in college.

Detox

I got to spend the last five days at Maugenhard (Lane and Michelle's dorm for all you CFC people). The normal staff of 6 for the 29 high school boys was down to 3 with the Youngs off and one RA in the States, so I showed up and asked to be put to work.

The day after spending time in a dorm is crashing after a drug binge. It's a tough transition back into my office after getting to play mom for a bunch of crazy boys. I realize I don't have a clear understanding of what the dorm parents and RAs have to do since I've never stayed in one dorm for longer than a week. But it's like a drug to me... getting to take care of people in practical ways. Cooking, cleaning, staying up all night tending to the sick, putting them in their place when being punks, helping with homework, throwing snowballs, wrestling, watching them play rugby (and wishing I'd thought of bringing orange slices)... I love it all.

Plug

Here's some BFA news: we still are looking for staff members for next year- especially a PE teacher, middle school English, a librarian, and male resident assistants. Think about it; pray about it. Spread the word.

http://bfacademy.com/staffopen.asp

Look at how much fun you could be having! "Creeking" is a lovely dorm tradition.

Announcement!

Hey Everyone I know and love in the United States,

I'll be in Evansville, IN from March 29-April 11. Make plans to come visit!!

I'm so excited that I'm already working on my list of things to do. Sadly, most of those things involve restaurants because I miss the wonders of Fazoli's breadsticks, Olive Garden's salad dressing, Hornville Tavern's beer bread, everything beef... ok, I'm stopping that list for the time being. Also, I'm exited about going to Resurgence and CFC!! Driving and maybe giving my motorcycle helmet some use... going out at night (everything in Kandern is closed by 8pm). Speaking English. Eating Mexican food. Listening to country music. Going to a comedy club, maybe?! Or even just a movie. Man, the luxurious options! I'm sure I'll think of way more things to do than I'll get around to because the real point of the visit is to be with you people that I haven't hugged in too many months. So, really, I don't care too much what I do (except getting a steak; that's not negotiable) as long as I get to spend time with friends and family. Nine weeks notice is plenty of advanced warning to make some time. Looking forward to seeing you!

But in the mean time, here's a bit of what's been going on here:

Friday night I was craving some time away, so Saturday Katie and I went to a lake about an hour north of here and split up to go on dates with Jesus for a few hours. It was nice to be far enough away from school that I could breathe. And it was a great date. I explored a new city, stopping at a little cafe for hot chocolate and cherry pie. Then I walked around the lake, through the forest, and conquered some painfully steep hills.

Schuluchsee about 2pm on one of the few clear days we've had lately


The ripples looked like diamonds



This is why they call it the black forest. It was so tempting to climb trees. But given that the lower half of my face hurt from my wisdom teeth and the upper half from getting hit with a football the day before, I realized that when I fell it would likely hurt my head even more than normal... and head injuries in the black forest by myself just sounds like a bad idea. So I was content to wander and imagine Grimm brother fairytales in that setting.

Just 6 more days left to drive! I'm making a "celebration" trip to Bern CH on Friday- actually just going to stand in line for a few hours at the embassy while I have the freedom to get there easily. Pray that the car sells.

The Fight

Given the inevitable stress of my job, as part of my contract at BFA I agreed to talking to a counselor to make sure I don't snap. I had no problem accepting their request; it's very respectable that they try to prevent melt downs among staff members. Plus, I usually enjoy welcoming those who want to jump inside my brain with me. Well, my counselor freed me from big brother's watchful eye and deemed me mentally stable a few months ago but we still meet together to chat once in a while... not out of worry on my new found friend's part, but because we enjoy one another's company and of course there are MANY things for me to work on that my friend can help point out. Otherwise I wouldn't have such a self-centered blog. I would write about all the things God is doing around me instead of the truth He's revealing in me.

So, today when we were chatting, we came to a funny realization that my mind and heart are in an epic battle. I imagined a little brain swathed in an epileptic's soft helmet and an even littler heart with balled fists ready to duke it out and had to laugh. I wish I could draw it, but unfortunately the closest I get to doodling is long division.

Thus far in the great duel, my mind has always won. What is practical and efficient dominates any tactics the heart has ever offered. I equate my heart defeating my mind as trouble- the kind of trouble that makes 15 year old girls think they're in love and then have to raise a child on their own. And not doing the right and responsible thing terrifies me. Slipping up, making a mistake, not living up to expectations. Those are the reasons I trust my mind and tell my heart to take the back seat, and to wrap up in a cast iron blanket while you're at it.

My friend asked, "do you want your heart and brain to be friends?" It seemed like a funny abstract conversation to be having, but obviously it intrigued me enough to write about. And yes, I realized, I do wish my heart were stronger... or rather that I trusted it enough to drop the metal shroud around it and let it speak once in a while.

A few weeks ago I heard a sermon about how the things we do for love (agape, eros, or otherwise) sometimes offend our minds. We do things that don't make sense for the sake of showing love to others. The mind let's the heart lead the dance. I want to be capable of that. I probably am and just don't realize it because I'm afraid to try. My brain believes that my heart has the strength to step up, but my dumb little heart is full of doubt.

It's easier and safer to let my mind run the show and guard the heart, but that's not a well-rounded existence. Yesterday afternoon I had a tearful bit of a revelation. After being thoroughly absorbed in the love story of the books I've been reading it was a huge let down to look at my life and not believe that that really exists outside of the pages of creative writing. This is the reason I stopped reading Christian fiction. Those stories are so predictable. Christian man meets Christian woman and knows how to pursue her just enough that would be considered creepy if she didn't want to be pursued, and she knows how to let him. And then two days later they are married. But now love stories at all- even those involving vampires, apparently- are evoking that same emotion in me. And the realization was this: my head knows that those stories happen. There's evidence all around. I am 100% confident that God can create better love stories than even the most compelling authors. But my heart doesn't believe that it will happen to me. I imagined myself as a single, bitter woman, and that was terrifying. I do not want that. I do not need a man to be complete in Christ. My significance is in Him, of that I am confident, head and heart. But, the more I see the heart love in others' lives, the starker the contrast to my mind-driven life.

God's got a lot of work to do in me for sure. I'm hoping that spending more time with families will help build a stronger heart in me as well as a better appreciation for its wellspring of life-ness. I'm fairly certain that as I type this and commit to focusing more on developing my heart than mind for a little while that I'm strapping myself into a roller coaster, watching the guy in charge grin ear-to-ear for what I'm getting myself into. Oh geez. Here we go.