More than Mr. Jones

Friends are addicting, and fun is my drug of choice. The problem with drugs is the crash after you quit. I’ve had a lot of fun the last few weekends; they are what got me through the weeks. But as I laid in bed this morning trying to talk myself into parting ways with my mound of warm blankets to welcome another cold day, it hit me that I have no more “fun” activities planned. Nothing at all. There are hypothetical things like hopefully some day I’ll get to snowboard, hopefully something fun will happen during my three weeks of Christmas break, or hopefully I’ll go back to the States sometime next year. But there’s nothing concrete- nothing to look forward to and make paper chains to help me count down the days. I would choose excitement over a nice, calm peace most any day, but excitement for me requires other people. Yes, I could go snowboarding by myself, hop on an easyjet and go to Glasgow for Christmas then Prague for New Years and make friends with strangers. I can go to sporting events by myself or get dressed up and go out. I can do the things I want to do, but really, where is the fun in making memories by yourself (or with people you’ll never see again)? My fun comes in seeing fun on the faces of those I love.

I like BFA. I like my job. But neither in nor of themselves are “fun.” This is hard, draining work, but it is GOOD work. I am not Sarah when sitting in an office shuffling papers and answering phones. I am Frau Haymond. Going back to my thoughts on Sarahness from a while back… Sarah needs to stretch her lungs, be sassy, get out and play, and take care of people… but I just feel so broken right now. I can’t carry on a conversation with anyone, can’t do silly dances, can’t make people laugh. Mir ist kaputt.

I went to visit Denton this weekend in Lausanne and feel pretty bad for him having to put up with me in my somber state. I really wanted to be fun and charming, but the more I tried, the emptier I felt. So, thanks D, for putting up with my crap. Poor guy... he’s too good to me.

The sermon at his church was about how God works through processes. I don’t know what kind of process I’m in—maybe realizing how much I crave relationships and how much more effective I am when with others—but I’m definitely in a process of some sorts. Several weeks ago, Mari Ellen asked me if I need people, to which I replied “no…not really.” And although I still stand by that— that I do not need people to live— I do need people to keep me shiny. Without others challenging me and encouraging the aforementioned “Sarahness,” I turn into a dull penny. When I’m alone for a long time, I stare at walls (aka Mr. Jones) and selfishly turn my thoughts inward. But when I’m with others, I can think about how to serve and love them (except Denton because homeboy doesn’t know how to let anyone do anything for him). So, I’m thankful for the friends God has given me and for their willingness to let me love them. Just while typing this, even, Timmy, Alyssa, Kristi, and Cara all came by to talk life. I like that. They are great. I do need people.