The Fight

Given the inevitable stress of my job, as part of my contract at BFA I agreed to talking to a counselor to make sure I don't snap. I had no problem accepting their request; it's very respectable that they try to prevent melt downs among staff members. Plus, I usually enjoy welcoming those who want to jump inside my brain with me. Well, my counselor freed me from big brother's watchful eye and deemed me mentally stable a few months ago but we still meet together to chat once in a while... not out of worry on my new found friend's part, but because we enjoy one another's company and of course there are MANY things for me to work on that my friend can help point out. Otherwise I wouldn't have such a self-centered blog. I would write about all the things God is doing around me instead of the truth He's revealing in me.

So, today when we were chatting, we came to a funny realization that my mind and heart are in an epic battle. I imagined a little brain swathed in an epileptic's soft helmet and an even littler heart with balled fists ready to duke it out and had to laugh. I wish I could draw it, but unfortunately the closest I get to doodling is long division.

Thus far in the great duel, my mind has always won. What is practical and efficient dominates any tactics the heart has ever offered. I equate my heart defeating my mind as trouble- the kind of trouble that makes 15 year old girls think they're in love and then have to raise a child on their own. And not doing the right and responsible thing terrifies me. Slipping up, making a mistake, not living up to expectations. Those are the reasons I trust my mind and tell my heart to take the back seat, and to wrap up in a cast iron blanket while you're at it.

My friend asked, "do you want your heart and brain to be friends?" It seemed like a funny abstract conversation to be having, but obviously it intrigued me enough to write about. And yes, I realized, I do wish my heart were stronger... or rather that I trusted it enough to drop the metal shroud around it and let it speak once in a while.

A few weeks ago I heard a sermon about how the things we do for love (agape, eros, or otherwise) sometimes offend our minds. We do things that don't make sense for the sake of showing love to others. The mind let's the heart lead the dance. I want to be capable of that. I probably am and just don't realize it because I'm afraid to try. My brain believes that my heart has the strength to step up, but my dumb little heart is full of doubt.

It's easier and safer to let my mind run the show and guard the heart, but that's not a well-rounded existence. Yesterday afternoon I had a tearful bit of a revelation. After being thoroughly absorbed in the love story of the books I've been reading it was a huge let down to look at my life and not believe that that really exists outside of the pages of creative writing. This is the reason I stopped reading Christian fiction. Those stories are so predictable. Christian man meets Christian woman and knows how to pursue her just enough that would be considered creepy if she didn't want to be pursued, and she knows how to let him. And then two days later they are married. But now love stories at all- even those involving vampires, apparently- are evoking that same emotion in me. And the realization was this: my head knows that those stories happen. There's evidence all around. I am 100% confident that God can create better love stories than even the most compelling authors. But my heart doesn't believe that it will happen to me. I imagined myself as a single, bitter woman, and that was terrifying. I do not want that. I do not need a man to be complete in Christ. My significance is in Him, of that I am confident, head and heart. But, the more I see the heart love in others' lives, the starker the contrast to my mind-driven life.

God's got a lot of work to do in me for sure. I'm hoping that spending more time with families will help build a stronger heart in me as well as a better appreciation for its wellspring of life-ness. I'm fairly certain that as I type this and commit to focusing more on developing my heart than mind for a little while that I'm strapping myself into a roller coaster, watching the guy in charge grin ear-to-ear for what I'm getting myself into. Oh geez. Here we go.